I don’t know why but for some reason I am unable to cruise through the grocery store with a shopping cart. The moment that my hands make contact with the handles of the shopping cart I feel like a fat pregnant mom. Yes, I might as well make my way to the pampers/kotex section. I would much rather kick the two gallons of milk from the dairy isle all the way to the cash register than push the shopping cart. If I am with a girlfriend or woman I might consider pulling it from the front but I still will not physically stand behind it and cruise through the store.
My problem with the shopping cart is the whole concept dealing with carrying, would you ever see a guy with a purse? Maybe a fanny pack but not a purse. Here’s the other thing, I enjoy walking out of the store and walking directly to my car. I don’t have to deal with my cart accidentally rolling away and hitting the 5 series BMW nearby. The shopping cart is just a huge hassle, its an unnecessary burden that I don’t have room for.
What about the shopping carts that only have three active wheels, isn’t that extremely annoying? I’m using the thing to help assist me in my shopping adventures not to make a screeching noise and veer me to the right or left randomly. I remember one time in my prehistoric shopping cart days I actually spent a few minutes maintenance one at home depot so that I could move buckets of paints, a complete fail if you ask me. At the end of the day use the shopping cart at your discretion but I think the only time I may actually consider standing behind one is if I’m married and my wife forces me to.
If I’m going to spend an hour or two with the shopping cart you might as well put a cupholder on that thing. When I get behind the shopping cart I actually feel like Im operating some kind of vehicle. Stores might as well place police officer carts and ambulance carts in case of emergencied ts. “Sir this is the third time you’ve operated this cart while being under some kind of influence we’re going to have to suspend your Giant Bonus Card.” Or “Ma’am youve been stopped and double parked in this lane for an hour now we’re going to have to fine you, oh and why is the safety belt not strapped on your son while operating this cart? Click it or Ticket.” Aside from that I have to deal with shopping cart traffic. Like seriously, I just got out of rush hour and now I’m waiting for Linda to pick what kind of pizza she wants for her two sons Joseph and Mark. Just pick the giant brand your sons wont know the difference.
And what about those people that always have to peep into what you have in your shopping cart. Yes, I am buying 5 bottles of multivitamin gummies, they taste freakin good and I need my Vitamin C. I’m not looking into your cart wondering why you bought two twelve packs of toilet paper, do you live in the bathroom? Keep your eyes to yourself you clown.
I’ve always thought it was funny how much power women think they have. There is no doubt that women are beautiful creatures, their smell, their body, the way their hair flows. But when a woman turns into an absolute bitch it is really hard to see all those great qualities. It’s almost like they either don’t appreciate what they have been given or don’t deserve it whatsoever. Men think logically, women think emotionally.
If she’s being a bitch just take a look at her skin. Normally we’d think wow she has definitely been taking her doses of Vitamin E . But shes been kind of bitch lately. Now think of oily skin and oozing acne on her back. Now you can zit back and relax. Have a peace of mind.
Take a look at her hair. It flows so smooth like the Nile River but lately its been getting polluted. It just doesnt have that shine anymore. There is something growing there like a bunch of stink bugs or mites. Visualize unwashed hair that flys are attracted to. If only she hadn’t been a bitch from the start she would have looked like Cleopatra or Pocahantas. Now sit back, you’re John Smith smoking a cigar on your tobacco farm.
Now imagine a foul smell. Women do not realize we are the hunters and gatherers. We provide and protect. They go down to the river and fetch water every now and then while we’re out being warriors. We can recognize a bad smell. Imagine the smell of a buffalo you have slain and are dragging back but the meat has rotted. This girl messed with the wrong guy, now she’s dancing with the wolves.
The word poops has always amazed me. It is such a vile word but so comedic and meaningful at the same time. I remember when I was with my brothers at a friends house and the parents started arguing in front of everyone. The mood was incredible before the parents went at it. I look over at my brother and he goes, “Dude this is so poopy lets get out of her”. When I heard him say that it was like all of my worries went away. Although it was poopy at that house, I had the biggest smile on my face.
Its even a great word to use when someone is bothering the hell out of you. Take for example those girls that are super clingy or have nothing to do so they sit on their bed all day calling people up and bothering them. Sometimes those girls are the mayor of poop city or the head clan leader of pooptopia. Just say it straight to their face, you never know they might not come back to bother you.
People talk too much nowadays. Sometimes they say things they dont mean or inappropriate things come out of their mouths. We call those people, ‘poop mouths’. If there is a gang of them, then you have yourself a poop squad. Lets go over some more common poop concepts and phrases you may come across:
Poopyopolis- The capital of poopyville. If someones friends or family are all not fun and mean then they probably originate from here.
PoopCity- A house or apartment that is messy, does not smell good, and filled with uncomfortable sightings.
Snoopy- A covert way of calling someone poopy. Subtle, very subtle.
Poopiest- The highest degree of ill behavior a person may obtain.
Poopin- Nomadic behavior where a person or a group go disturbing good settings and happy moods.
PoopTart- Junk food that doesn’t taste good.
Poopsicle- Any type of ice cream that’s soggy and unenjoyable.
Theres many more but this keeps your train of thought thinking any time you’re not feel comfortable.
Nowadays it seems like you just can never get eactly what you want out of a professor. He can one or more than one of the following: Nice, A Great Teacher, Has easy exams. The problem is that you can only choose two, and the third? Well, it will be the reverse, but taken to the nth level of extreme. For instance, you’re friend recommends a class for you, and you proceed to ask, “What’s the professor like?” Your friend responds, “well, he’s nice, and he’s a great teacher….”
Hmm, what about his tests? Yea, turns out they’re IMPOSSIBLE. Actually, I lied to you, I recently came across a professor that satisfies all three, wow what a find! Wait, but here’s the catch, he’s the most boring dude you’ve ever known in your life. Even worse, he feels the need to tell you information that is completely irrelevant to both you and everyone else in the world. Sometimes I wonder if the boring professor even has the slightest hint that everyone in the room is bored out of their mind. It’s particularly funny when the professor thinks he’s “putting on a show” for the students, making goofy math related jokes every few minutes that only he laughs at. Exception, the suck-up student in the front gives a chuckle every now and then. This is probably the only time in my life that I legitimately felt like i wanted to end my life.
For all of you that do a significant amount of walking through crowds of people that may or may not know you, you run into the head nod dilemma. The assortment of these acknowledgements truly defines the relationship between the two people. The types are as follows:
The Upward Head Nod – This head nod is used for friends that you normally hang out with, but this time you simply don’t want to stop for small talk. It gives the implied “what’s up?”, but of course you’re aren’t really interested in their answer to that question.
The Downward Head Nod – The downward head nod is mostly used for common acquaintances. This signifies that you simply have been introduced and both agree to the fact that you won’t actually ever hang out. This head nod is essentially something to buy you time until you are out of sight. The downward nod can also be a sign of simply paying your respects to an elder or just being friendly to a complete stranger.
The Smile and Half-Wave – This is quite possibly one of the worst because it implies that you used to be friends and hang-out, until you realized how much of a weirdo this person is. Of course you didn’t simply cut the relationship there. You’d rather awkwardly wave to this person, and claim that “we should hang out,” for the rest of your life.
The Fast-Small-Talk – Oh this one could be particularly obnoxious. Some people just find the need to stop and chat every time you see them. The problem occurs when you see them so often as to not have anything new to ‘report’ so that you run into an awkward exchange of small talk. It usually goes, “how are you?” “good how are you?” and so on and so forth. This 45 second conversation usually abruptly ends in “well, cya.”
Why do so many girls throw around ‘I love you’? It isn’t a pack of Starburst you buy at giant and start sharing with all the people you like.
People you’ll find at a party:
Fat Bouncer- Tries to look intimidating, checks out all the girls, in reality soft nice guy.
Trying to make a name guy- “Dude Joe’s doing a back flip off the roof, everybody come!”
Unknown Looter- That guy who nobody knows and is asking for him to leave.
Ugly Slut- The girl whos invited to all the parties cause she will get down with anybody.
Girl that looks good after a few drinks- That girl that you’d never talk to sober but now its different.
Unintellectual Ciggarete Smokers- The people you find outside smoking who look like they’re talking about something deep but its really, “You know he was the creator right?” (Inhales cigarettes) “Yeah he created that bong himself.”
Creepy Guy- The guy who only talks to girls and is extremely blunt. “Hey your boobs are huge can I squeeze them?”
Competition Drinkers- “Dude I’m getting trashed first, This is my seventh shot in 20 minutes.”
Motivational Frat Guy- “Yo Ryan this is Omega Omega Omega, stop being a lightweight. Grab that jack daniels.
Drunk Workout Guys- “80 pushups and I’m sore”, “67 and I’m drunk”, “Yeah I guess we’re equal”.
Cute Complainer- “He doesn’t love me, he just texted me and said hes not coming here, he’s going to the clubs in DC”
Textasaurus- Guy or Girl who is scrolling through their phonebook but pretending like they’re texting because they’re too cool for the party. You’re an antisocial it’s ok we understand.
Midnight Rapist- Guy who’s taking care of girls because he genuinely “cares”, dude everybody knows what you want it’s obvious.
The DD- Designated Driver, there’s a possibility of him being a creeper, antisocial, or midnight rapist.
Everybody in the world has that one person in their life that always makes those comments that really ruin your day. It can be an acquaintance, a friend, a sibling, whoever but for some reason they have extracted certain comments that are unnecessary and don’t even really make any sense. “Hey man I wanted to talk to you, yesterday I lied to my mom and I feel really bad. The thing is bro it was just one lie.” That person comes in trying to show you they care which at times they do but that one comment slips, “Look, we all lie we’re human I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but lying is lying bro.” That last part of the comment is what really hits the spot. “Lying is lying.” Thank you Captain Obvious. “I don’t drink but I had a beer at the party.” I’m sure if you have that friend you know exactly what he or she is going to say. Yep, “Drinking is drinking.” Just ignore it, when you hear that just imagine that they have no more material or are just talking to talk. Other lines that you should ignore include, “People can see you better than you can see yourself”, “I’m not responsible for your misunderstanding” and, “If a girl tells you the quote “Live, Laugh, Love”, she’s lost.
I’m a bit worried. Finals week just continues to inch closer and closer and I am convinced that as the days go by, I am literally forgetting everything I have learned. As much as everyone around me is stressing the fact that they have to study “a shit load,” I can’t help but enjoy the fact that since everyone thinks that I’m busy studying, professors included, I have the opportunity to do absolutely nothing. The greatest thing is that I now have an unlimited number of excuses to not hang out with those people that just won’t stop asking to hang out. “Dude I gotta study,” is now one of my most common responses to these eager people that have studied so far ahead of time that they practically have nothing to do. After a week of leaving class early and sitting around enjoying the heaven-like weather that coincidentally appears out of nowhere during the busiest time of the year, I think it’s finally time to “hit the books,” “brush up,” “cram,” and all those other stupid terms that basically mean study. I make my way into the main study area, and it’s just packed beyond all reason. Students who I have never seen on campus seem to have spawned out of the corners of the building. These dorm room cave dwellers have for the first time taken a trip outside of their room in a final desperate attempt to appear social. They are only here because everyone wants their “great notes.” Let’s face it, they aren’t actually “great” notes, everyone is just glad that someone actually took notes in the first place. As I walk by, I see huge tables filled with crinkled papers, food wrappers, empty cans of expensive energy drinks and a bunch of people that have congregated purely to leech off of who knows the most. I’m thinking these tables aren’t for me. I might try a study room. I begin slowly creeping up on each study room window, peering in only to see a scruffy guy with huge headphones facing the door with his laptop, his lower body concealed beneath the table. He is laid back, with one hand resting on the keyboard of his laptop, while his other hand is somewhere “below-deck.” Alright, so may not be surfing the net for porn, as he slides his hand over to his “mouse,” but he is certainly not studying. The thought of this completely ruins the idea of a study room for me so I figure I’ll just move to a more quiet area in the library. I quickly realize that the libraries are always plagued with low GPA adderol “dealers” acting as if they have the real secret to doing well during finals week. As he slowly pulls out a cloudy plastic baggy filled with these mystery wonder pills, he says, “Dude if you need to cram, these will keep you really focused.” While the dealer is finishing up his adderol marketing speech, I notice a few of his clientele approach him. They begin asking him for the pills by using code words like “candy,” “advil,” and “study juice.” These bloodshot-eyed, headache-faking students are most commonly spotted filling every possible seat in the classroom on the day of the test, when you distinctly remember there being three empty rows last class. Unfortunately their pill-popping endeavors practically never work, and they end up turning their head towards you, whispering, “Yo, did you study?” I finally decide to study alone on my laptop. All of a sudden I realize just how many things you can do, other than studying on your laptop. For the first time in months, I’m multitasking. Switching back from chat windows, to Facebook, to the most addicting games on earth, I feel so accomplished. I have probably typed “Dude you’re distracting me” about five times already, but for some reason I have not signed off ichat. Lets face it, we just love the concept of someone “distracting” us while we are “trying to work.” Now I’m starting to get a little tired as I look out the window and notice that the sun has gone down. How long has it been? I crawl into bed intently thinking, “tomorrow I’m gonna study all day, and really get shit done.” The next day I wake up at the crack of dawn to a classmates raspy voice asking me in their final hours before the test, “Dude, do you got a scantron?” I’m speechless, and i’m screwed.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that the coolest thing to call your dad is “pops”. Father sounds like you’re begging him for forgiveness or you’re asking for his praise in your house. As the head of the household he carries that title but it just blows it up and really degrades the children. Dad sounds way too whiny and a tool that works as an arm for financial support. Most of the time I affiliate the word “Dad” with playing catch and sometimes even going to a sports event together. The word ‘baba’ which comes from Arabic households sounds too much like pita bread or oriental rugs. Every time I hear baba I feel like I’m at a Lebanese bakery or butcher store. I’m not even really a big fan when people say, “that’s my Old Man” it almost sounds like they’re ashamed. That or it was miserable while he was alive because he was so harsh. Papa is no fun either, when I hear Papa i think of a man on a rocking chair with a stick ready to do some beating, no good. Pops is perfect though, not because he pops out to your location from time to time but because it has so many derivatives to it. Poppyseed, Popalicious, Popeye, Popzilla, Popcorn, Popaloosa, Pop Lock and Drop it, Popster,Poptart, Pop-a-pimple, Popsicles, Pop stop and roll, and Once you poppa the fun don’t stoppa. These are only a few of the derivatives there are many, many more. The other great thing about Pops is that it matches perfectly with any father whether he’s old, grumpy, sweet, cute, rich, poor, etc. He could be doing the dumbest thing in public and you’d be like “Yeah, that’s my pops.” It just flows that much better.
